Autism and the Tears:
Allowing God to Create a New Dream
Many years ago, I sat at a symphony concert and watched a family in front of me and silently cried. An older man and woman sat with their son between them. He was approximately 18-20 years old and appeared to be autistic. Throughout the first half of the concert, they carefully doled out M&M’s one at a time. Occasionally he either “talked” or made noises, and the father would lovingly put his arm around him to comfort him. They took him out during the intermission, but shortly into the second half, he became agitated. Eventually, when the M&M’s no longer worked, the three of them stood up to leave. And my heart was heavy for them. Suddenly, I cried because I have an autistic son. Autism and the tears. they go together hand-in-hand, but we can let go of some of the pain by allowing God to create new dreams in us.
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Jack-Jack five years ago. He would not let anyone cut his hair
so we did it while he was sleeping in sections! |
Autism and the Tears and Heartache:
Have you found yourself crying for your future self? These tears I cried weren’t for my current situation. These tears were for my future self. While my heart hurt for this unknown couple, I also grieved for myself. I grieved for the future I was sure I would never have. I couldn’t see the future God had for me because I wouldn’t let go of the “shoulds.”
You know the “shoulds” – phrases that go through your head such as “I should be doing…” or “Life should be like…” Instead of living our lives to the fullest we spend so much time grieving for the things that we want – our hopes, our dreams. Our vision is so clouded that we fail to see what God has planned for us.
In fact, at that moment at the symphony, my thoughts ranged from “that is going to be me in twelve years,” to “at least they saw part of a concert with their son.” I could not even imagine taking Jack-Jack to a concert, not then and not anytime in the future. He would never sit still even with M&M’s, and my days were filled with so much chaos that I couldn’t see any joy at the moment. Obviously, if I couldn’t see the joy in the present, I failed to see any joy in the coming years. My days and nights were filled with autism, tears, and heartache.
The Past Meets the Future
My older children had opportunities and experiences that I was sure Jack-Jack would never have. I made sure my older children had plenty of cultural experiences such as the symphony, plays, and concerts. I knew that most of these types of events were out of the question with Jack-Jack. Since I failed to see the future as being any different than the present, I didn’t even think of a different possible future.
Five years later and my outlook had changed ever so slightly. Five years: Think of your life five years from now. In many ways, it is a lifetime. In five years, Jack-Jack had come a long way. Most days I am hopeful that he will have a bright future. However, he still has difficulty sitting for any length of time, but I know that with each passing year, we have more and more “normal” experiences with him.
My husband and I used to love to go to our local symphony, but because it is harder to go out now, we rarely go. However, I was looking for some tickets to buy him for his birthday, and I came across the symphony Disney’s Tale As Old As Time. It was being performed by The Youngstown Symphony Orchestra. Since Jack-Jack loves Disney, I figured this would be the time to take Jack-Jack and Marcus.
Autism and The Tears – Hope and Joy
As we dressed and ate dinner, we talked about going to the symphony. We explained what it meant, and how one is expected to behave. Additionally, we talked about having to sit in your seat and not talk. However, as much as we try to plan ahead of time, that doesn’t mean things will work out. Sometimes, in spite of the talks and planning, Jack-Jack has an unexpected meltdown, and one of us spends time in corridors or bathrooms.
However, that night was different. From the moment the concert started, Jack-Jack had a smile on his face. He sat, watched and listened. There was a screen that played clips of Disney movies, and four extremely talented vocalists sang some of our favorite Disney songs. The orchestra was fantastic. I watched Jack-Jack periodically lean over to his dad and say, “This is from Bambi,” and “Now they are playing Beauty and the Beast.” As I watched, I cried. But this time, my tears were different. These weren’t the autism tears I have cried so many times. These were tears of joy and hope.
Disney Speaks to Jack-Jack’s Soul
Those five years from seeing the older boy with autism until we took Jack-Jack, seems like a lifetime. Jack-Jack had grown and matured. He still jumps around and has a hard time sitting still for very long. On Sunday mornings, it is rare to be able to sit through an entire church service. After the symphony, I contemplated asking the pastor to use Disney clips in his preaching. I am pretty sure we would be able to get Jack-Jack to listen to the sermon and have a greater understanding of what is being explained to him if it was done in his language – Disney!
You see Disney speaks to Jack-Jack’s soul in a way that I can’t even begin to explain. There are things he knows because he saw them in a Disney movie. He can find certain countries on a map because of Disney movies. Additionally, he knows that the Eiffel Tower is in Paris. He knows how to spell and find letters on a keyboard. He can use Google, navigate YouTube, and use most electronics all because he wants to find out more about Disney.
Furthermore, Jack-Jack knows about rides at Disney Parks in Tokyo, California, and Paris that I never knew about. He has learned about emotions, been given words to express himself, and lights up when he talks about Disney World, Disney movies, and Disney toys.
Unsure of the Future, But Full of Hope
I am not sure what is ahead for Jack-Jack, but that night at the symphony was a night of hope and dreams for the future. God had shown me that although Jack-Jack may have roadblocks and detours that most children don’t encounter, there is a childlike innocence that most children have lost by now. Jack-Jack also has a light that shines bright. I am thankful for little glimpses of “normalcy” that give me hope. And my prayer for Jack-Jack (and all of my children) is from Numbers 6:25: “The LORD bless you and keep you; The LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.”
The only way to get through this thing called life is with the peace of God. Sometimes my brain knows something, but it takes a little while for me to fully comprehend it. Five years after that concert, I understand something I didn’t before. At that time I saw two autistic sons – my son and the son of the unknown couple.
Today I can see my son in a different light, and I don’t always see autism. In fact, autism doesn’t define who Jack-Jack is or who he will become. There are a lot of tears with autism, but today I cried because God’s definition of autism for Jack-Jack is a beautiful one.
Allowing God to Create a New Dream:
How did I get to that point? How did I begin to embrace a different picture of life? God, in His infinite mercy, slowly removed the “shoulds” from my mind and eyes. I stopped embracing what I believed life should look like and began to embrace the life God has placed before me. When your focus is on the life you want and not the life you have, you will always be discontent. Moreover, not being content, will lead you to a place of misery. It will be like living in a deep pit of sorrow that seems neverending.
Philippians 4:11-13 says, “Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.” Have you learned how to be content in your current situation? If you have been living your life, filled with dreams of what should be, God is asking you to lay those dreams down and open your heart so he can rebuild new dreams. Ask God to open your eyes to the joy around you. When you lay aside your shoulds, you will begin to see joy that you didn’t know existed. I pray that God reveals the joy to you in great ways today!
God is ultimately the one that gives us joy, but we have to get out of our own way to see it. Psalm 4:7 You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound.
Reviewing movies for parents from a Christian perspective since 2005. Know Before You Go!
Christian Homeschooling mom – 30 years and counting
Autism Mom & Disney enthusiast
