LIFE AFTER A MIRACLE

You would expect life after a miracle to be grand, but it always isn’t. Four years ago today my husband died. 

That was the phone call I received. That was my reality for that particular place and time. But my husband is alive today. And I am over the top thankful for the time I have had with him since that day 4 years ago.

But for the past 4 years, nobody has told me how to go on after such a traumatic event. In fact, nobody in our circle of friends, our doctors, our pastors, our family even suggested that maybe we should talk with somebody immediately after the event. And even if they would have, I probably would have said that I was fine. And why wouldn’t I be fine? My husband was miraculously alive.

But fine before the event, and fine after the event, well those are two different things. The only person that seemed to be able to understand me was my daughter, Melissa. She was there when I received the phone call. I handed her the phone and she heard the same account that I had. She drove me to the hospital, and for the next 9 days while I sat at my husband’s bedside, she continued to work and took care of her younger siblings. 

When her dad came home, she lived with the after effects too. His unusually upbeat spirit, his zest for life, his wanting to live as if there is no tomorrow, and his subsequent change in personality. She dealt with his mood swings, and the dissatisfaction with the life he was forced to live. 

Everything Should Be Great

But he was living so everything was good! Right? WRONG. Among people who go through Near Death Experiences, there is a high divorce rate. There is a frustration with life that is unexplainable. There are emotions that make no sense and unending unanswered questions. Why was I saved? What is my purpose? What should I be doing with my life?

And even as a Christian who understands that our purpose is to glorify God, there are still so many doubts about what comes next. When my husband questions his purpose, he isn’t saying that he doesn’t know what he is supposed to be doing. He is saying that he is uncertain as to how, why, and when to do it. 

And for my husband who didn’t have someone who shared his experience, he probably felt more alone than ever. He has family and friends telling him how blessed he is, how he should celebrate being alive. I can’t even begin to imagine the range of emotions he felt and still feels, on a daily basis. Waking up breathing, walking and seeing things as if you have never seen them before. Knowing there is so much more out there that you have never experienced. 

And his range of emotions is different than mine. Each day I seem to ride a roller coaster of reactions over and over. 

My Range of Emotions after Living Through a Miracle

Four years after the day my husband died, I find myself feeling the following:

1. Thankful and grateful that my God is who he says he is. In His word He says in Matthew 10:7-8, “And proclaim as you go, saying, ‘The kingdom of heaven is at hand.’ Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, cast out demons. You received without paying; give without pay.”
2. Confused and bewildered. My heart aches every time I hear someone who prayed in faith for a loved one to be healed, and they don’t receive that healing. I don’t understand why God heals some and not others.
3. Wondering what else I should be doing, and how I should be doing it.
4. Seeking God with my whole heart. 
5. Trusting God is who He says He is.
6. Doubting God’s goodness and faithfulness. Yes, I find myself doubting. I recently said I lacked faith, and my husband responded, “You didn’t four years ago.” That sort of brought me back to reality. You see, I had faith for the big thing, but I lack faith for the day-to-day.
7. Understanding the Israelites more than ever. You see they wandered through the desert for 40 years. They lacked faith even after God saved them. They watched God part the Red Sea, send manna from heaven to feed them, and perform miracle after miracle, and yet they still doubted God and complained. 
8. Scared. When my husband is gone sometimes I find myself holding my breath until he calls or comes home again. In the beginning, it was bad. One of the first times he left the house after he was released to drive, he went to the grocery store. He was gone for about 45 minutes, and the phone rang. The caller ID had the grocery store name. My heart stopped for a moment. I was certain it was the store calling saying something had happened while he was there. When I answered the phone it was the store pharmacy saying that it was time to renew a prescription. Another time as I was driving home an ambulance passed me and turned down our road. And yet another time, driving home as I pulled up to my house, there was an ambulance outside parked blocking my driveway. Only when I got close enough did I realize it was for the next door neighbor. 
9. Guilt. I have realized that I need more time alone than I have ever needed. Time to process, time to heal, time to seek after God. And then I feel guilty for wanting that time.
10. Sad. I know that one day, one of us will die and leave the other one behind. None of us knows the actual date of death but knowing how my heart broke a little that day if only for minutes, I can’t imagine life without Jeff every day. I also feel sad for Jack-Jack who will have to experience sorrow. Will he understand? Will he think we deserted him?
11. Joy. I know that My Redeemer Lives! I know that Jesus heals, saves and restores. And I also know this journey we are on brings people into our lives to help us process and heal if we are vulnerable enough to let them in.

Forgive Me:

So forgive me, my friends, if some days I seem a little crazy. Say a little prayer for me. And know that if I seem less than thankful for my situation, it is probably because I have just experienced such a range of emotions in such a short time!

I pray that our story has inspired you and given you hope for a future. If you aren’t sure of where you are going when you die, please reach out to me.