THE UNSPOKEN SIDE OF AUTISM:

AUTISM MELTDOWNS

Years ago when I started writing about Jack-Jack and autism, I wrote a post about entitled The Funny Side of Autism. It was about the funny sayings and things my son said and did. We found such joy in those things, but life isn’t always filled with laughter. When our son was younger, there was an unspoken side of our lives: The Autism Meltdowns.

WHAT ARE AUTISM MELTDOWNS?

There is a very real, raw, unspoken side of autism that hides in homes, a side that parents try to cover up for fear of people thinking poorly of them or their child. That side is scary and rarely talked about. The aggressive, angry autistic child is way too strong with the strength and stamina of a wild rhino. And when the child is scared or angry it becomes frightening for anyone in their path. 

When any human is afraid or angry, many times the brain goes into fight or flight mode. The Smithsonian Magazine has an excellent article that discusses What Happens In Your Brain When You Feel Fear. Within this very informative article, the fight or flight response is discussed. It is this same fight or flight response that causes autism meltdowns in our children. Because their brains are wired differently, and they lack the capacity to deal with the very-real-to-them fears and anxieties, our children do not have the ability to deal with issues the same way other people do.

Before Jack-Jack was speaking, he still had great communication skills. Everyone knew what he needed, but when he wanted something obscure he would quickly become frustrated. And when he was upset and had a meltdown, he would lash out at Melissa (his sister) or me. He would bite, hit and scratch with such unbearable force. And for a few years, we had bruises on our bodies almost continuously because his fight or flight instincts kicked into high gear.

COPING WITH THE AUTISM MELTDOWNS

Understanding why he was angry or having a meltdown was so important to help him through the situation. Punishing this behavior only intensified his aggression and meltdowns. The most important thing in dealing with these aggressive moments was making him feel safe. Afterward the autism meltdown we could work on finding out what was made him feel unsafe. 

We needed to find out his fears. Then we started to anticipate the situations that caused those fears. Finally we worked at finding solutions to move him past a fear into a safe, comfortable zone. This was hard work. It was exhausting, frustrating, and took years of repetitive behaviors on our part. Getting everyone on board within our family took time.

And through this process, I learned a lot about all children. Yes, children need to learn consequences for their actions. But many times the punishments we inflict on them do not teach. Our methods of punishment actually hinder a child’s ability to learn how to cope, deal with their emotions, and work out a solution. Or worse yet, we teach the child to not get caught and just to give the appearance of good behavior.

[bctt tweet=”Our methods of punishment actually hinder a child’s ability to learn how to cope, deal with their emotions, and work out a solution.” username=”pattyoh11″]

Having Jack-Jack taught me how to look past the initial situation and find solutions that worked for the child. A calm mom helps to diffuse anxiety and fear in Jack-Jack, and it works for children who aren’t on the spectrum too.

TRAUMATIC SITUATIONS OFTEN LEAD TO CONTINUED AUTISM MELTDOWN

Sometimes there were situations that caused me many tears, but years later, I was able to laugh or at least be amused by Jack-Jack’s irrational fear of something. After having extensive dental surgery, Jack-Jack developed a real fear of doctors due to them blatantly lying to him. Because of this he also developed an irrational fear of having ANYONE TOUCH HIS HEAD. To hear the full story, READ HERE!

This meant no haircuts (which he didn’t have a problem with before the surgery), no washing his hair, no touching his head. I would cut his hair while he was sleeping. Melissa would hold him on her lap, and I would take the scissors and use my limited ability to cut hair and go to work. If he woke up half-way through, he would have one side cut and the other side long until we could try again another night. The pictures from those years are actually quite amusing to look at now.

SEEING THE POSITIVE IN AN AUTISM MELTDOWN

However, the washing the hair was another story. Jack-Jack loved taking baths until he learned that a bath meant he might get his hair washed. We began to call baths “FLADOODLES.” We would skip washing his hair until it absolutely needed it. Most times all I could do was get his hair wet, and he was done. Melissa had the best success with actually washing his hair.

One night, before he was speaking, I took him up for his bath, and he was having a great time playing in the water. I went to wash his hair, and he was fighting me – literally fighting. I had scratches up and down my arms. At one point, he stood up and grabbed the shower curtain and pulled. The rod came crashing down on my head. And Jack-Jack screamed, “WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?” He jumped out of the tub and ran naked and wet down the hall with his hair filled with shampoo. 

Imagine this picture: I am kneeling in front of the tub with scratches up and down my arms. Wet from head to toe, I have just had a metal shower curtain rod forcefully hit my head. And my response: “He can talk!”

Today we laugh at this story, but this was our life for far too many years. When we quit focusing on the autism meltdown and started to focus on the underlying cause of the meltdown, life became more stable for all of us. There were things we did to help Jack-Jack deal with irrational fears, but we also helped him deal with his aggression.  For more information, read Three Things We Did to Help Our Son with Autism.

If there is one piece of parting advice I could give you, it would be to not give up hope. On those days when nothing is working, everything is falling apart, you just dealt with too many autism meltdowns for one day, and you want to quit often times the breakthrough is just around the bend!